People have been asking me how I am, and I don’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t. Because I’m ashamed.
I have gone backwards. I have gone right back to ‘recluse/agoraphobic/social anxiety/can’t leave house/leaving bed is a struggle/severely depressed/etc’ that I was before the TMS.
At least, I feel like I have gone backwards.
And I’m afraid that the TMS didn’t work. And since I have a page long list of all the antidepressant medication and mood stabilising medication I’ve tried, there really isn’t any medication/drug option for me. And due to the type of illness I am living with, which is not ‘curable’ but certainly many people can live fulfilling lives, there are only so many treatment options for me. And if the TMS didn’t work, well I’m pretty much out of options for further treatment.
[I am aware there are ‘other’ treatments possible, group therapy, ECT, and other options. But while I have shared a lot of personal information in my posts, the full history of what treatments and therapies and whatnot I have been through has not been disclosed. So please unless you know me personally, don’t suggest a treatment that helped you. I appreciate the thought, I do really, but I’m not emotionally strong enough to be told what to do.]
And I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I feel like such a failure and a burden on everyone around me. My family and friends are being kept at arms length, I don’t talk about what’s going on in my head because I’m afraid that this is as good as it gets. That this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of it. This is the best I can get. And I won’t ever be a contributing member of society again.
This is as good as it gets for me it appears.