Olivia Benson: The Other Wonder Woman

I decided I needed a pink unicorn onesie, because, who doesn’t?
To get your own, head to One Onesies!

“You can’t face a reality you aren’t used to living in”
– Coroner, Law & Order: SVU

I am watching L&W: SVU. And it’s funny because you’d think that a show like that would upset me, considering the things I have been through, and that it would be triggering. But it’s not. In fact, I ENJOY it. I love Olivia Benson. And Elliot Stabler. And Captain Kregan. Oh and Ice T, he’s just awesome. But I enjoy the show mostly because there is someone trying to get the bad guy. Which in my life experience, does not happen often.

My “bad guy” will probably never be brought to any kind of justice (I am entitled to a portion of his money to pay for my tertiary education. But I will not touch that money, it’s blood money. Yet, if it was so ordered by the legal system, that HE were to pay for my medical costs and most specifically pays for my health insurance so I can get the help I need to UNDO WHAT HE DID, that money I would take. Atonement for his crimes, and to make me life better, if at all possible.) and that makes me toss and turn a lot. It causes me angst and pain in my heart. But with this fictional show, someone is trying to get the bad guy.

I would love to meet Mariska Hargitay, To tell her how much strength she has given me, in her acting as Olivia Benson. In the way she treats the victims and survivors of sexual assault and violence. In the dark moments when I am haunted by the horrors in my mind, I sometimes imagine what Olivia would do if she were with me. That sounds weird. But she has a comforting presence, and also a strong presence, a protective one. Nothing bad can happen to you when she is there. Forget guns and knowing self defence, just her force. Her presence (yes I know I am talking about a fictional character).

The “R” word gets used a lot too. The word that rhymes with “tape”. The word I still have trouble saying. The word I feel I need to be able to say, one day.

A lot of people talk about being “desensitised” to violence and disturbing images, after experiences in their own lives. I would have to say I am not one of them. And often this comes up when it’s to do with imagery that is gory or violent, such as horror or “gore” films. I am not the same. I do not find these movies/entertainment distressing because I have a history of trauma, but more because I don’t like to be scared for fun. Same as rollercoasters and other thrill rides. I don’t like being scared for fun.

I had a moment tonight. I was in the pet food aisle this afternoon with Mr Hippo, looking at treats for Levi to chew on, and I felt this tug on the back of my shorts. I spun around and there was no one within at least 2 metres of me, and in fact Mr Hippo was the only other person in the aisle and he was easily 2 metres away from me.

It was a hallucination. I have them. I have visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations. I am not “crazy”, I am “cray cray in the best way” haha. But seriously, I am not psychotic and I know that – not only because my psychiatrist has confirmed it, but also because typically (not always, but a large portion of the time) if a person is in a state of psychosis then they are usually not aware that they are.

I know that the hallucinations are not real. And I know I can challenge them and often have other people assist in that. I know they are not real. But they still fucking scare me.

Anyway, got off topic a bit there.

Olivia Benson, she is the Other Wonder Woman.

 

 

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