Okay so today has been a very bad day. I had bad nightmares, flash-back trauma shit that I’d rather forget. And then today I have been, probably the worst since I have been in here. I have done nothing today, nothing except cry and cry some more. And pretend my little room is a dark little pity party.
I refused the treatment scheduled for today. And when asked why I didn’t want to have it, my non-verbal thing kicked in.
So a little background info to explain when I say ‘non-verbal’ which really isn’t the correct term but I don’t know what the correct term is.
I had an abusive childhood (duh). And unfortunately, the abuse began ‘pre-verbal’ (that’s the technical term one shrink explained it as) so before I learnt to speak. This has resulted in a strong inability to express how I feel in verbal words. I am better at expressing myself in written form, and in physical ways (for example, self harm was one way I used to express how I was feeling by marking my skin. Another way is in the way I dress when I’m feeling good versus when I am feeling ‘bad’. And one very very big indicator is if I have small plaits in my hair. The more plaits equals the worse I feel.).
I try not to over analyse things these days (still do sometimes) but when I am distressed and am unable to use my words, I literally cannot speak. I mean, person asks what is wrong, I open my mouth to respond and literally nothing comes out. It’s like some weird form of mutism. Sometimes I can manage an ‘I don’t know’ but that’s hard too.
So I call it being ‘non-verbal’. I am getting better at it, especially since I was made aware of this issue. And sometimes still, it comes to a point where I can’t express myself even to my Mr Hippo, who is my biggest fan and my dearest love, and so he has many MANY letters and notes from me. I still have to write notes to my doctor and the nursing staff at times I’m non-verbal.
It’s extremely frustrating. And hopefully one day it won’t be so much of a problem, but I think I will always have this issue, though I can make it less intrusive.
Okay. Bad day over. Tomorrow, new day.