And when does the rabbit hole end?

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So. It’s sometime in the limbo part of the week. That for me is anywhere between Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I don’t really know what time of week it is unless it is Monday or Friday. Mostly because I don’t do anything in my life, like at all.

Today I had an appointment and I had to waste a ton of time on the bus while this dude threw a little childlike tantrum. Made me late to my appointment. Thanks man.

So today is exactly 1 Year/365 Days since I last self harmed. The date (April 12th) is mildly inaccurate because I can’t remember the exact date of my last self harm episode, but I did find out that this date was the last time I attended my GP’s nurses rooms for a patch job.

And now, it’s over.

I am not going to count anymore days. I am not going to keep track for another year. I’m not making this a “birthday” as they do in the various AA/NA/Other recovery programs. When you reach a year of “without”, it’s considered a “1st Birthday”, and yes, often the recovery programs actually have cake at a person’s “birthday”.

It’s a year. It’s been long enough. I have enough stupid signs slung around my neck, enough stupid things floating over my head – like the green Plumbob in the Sims computer game series – “bipolar”, “selfharmer”, “addict”, “sick”, “crazy”, “insane”, “whack-job”, “mental patient”, “STAY AWAY” etc.

I don’t want to keep falling down this hole, I am so tired. I am so tired of being pigeon holed. So tired of being viewed as that person.

In the last year I have made the choice to not hide my physical scars in public as much as I once did. I went without long sleeves and leggings and people saw them. There were a few select occasions I chose to cover up, but mostly I was all out in the open.

And there were times I was ashamed, I was scared, I wanted to hide and run away. And sometimes, I did.

Today I stumbled into a conversation in the nurse’s waiting room (waiting for my flu jab) with a mother of two young girls also getting jabs. I mentioned that even with tattoos, I still hate flu shots! And then the mother made her knowledge of tattoos, and her dislike of them, very clear. She suggested that alcohol played a role in my getting of tattoos. And a young boy, perhaps 10yo, who was eating a green lollipop, piped up with “tattoos are bad!”. I was able to make my self harm scars somewhat less visible, but she stared at my knees on the way out.

I was pretty offended and a little hurt. I started thinking that I, in my white and pink “Unicorn Queen” tshirt with accompanying pink, glittery, unicorn related accessories, look like someone much different than I thought. I thought I might look like a person who is fun, kooky, funky, eclectic, weird but in a fun way.

And no, I should not care what other people think of me.

But I do.

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10 thoughts on “And when does the rabbit hole end?

  1. If you care what people think of you then can you care if I tell you I LOVE YOUR RED LIPSTICK AND STYLE. Screw that miserable old mother in the waiting area. Taking her kicks to get their flu jabs was probably the highlight of her miserable life!!! TAKE AND LOVE AMY X

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      1. Wow it’s 3.30pm on Thursday? It’s like talking to someone in the future 😱😱 in little England. What’s the weather like? Are you in winter?

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      2. It’s heading into winter yes, and it is getting colder, but I live in Queensland, which is a sub-tropical state, so winter lasts about 30-60days of the year! We have four seasons where I live: Hot, Cool, Hotter, HOTHOTHOT. The last ‘season’ is usually the end of year period, September – February lols

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      3. No I hate the heat. It’s not so much the temperature (Celsius) but the humidity that gets to you. It’s funny because a couple states away from me, is known for it’s crazy unpredictable weather! And then there is Tasmania, where it’s pretty much cold all the time. But as much as I hate the heat, I love where I live. The beaches are AWESOME!

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      4. I don’t do well in the heat either. Does it rain a lot there? England has been very unpredictable in the last few things I think it’s from us humans screwing the whole planet up. If you google “Dorset” you will see where I am from πŸ™‚

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  2. It doesn’t rain as much here as it does in other places in Australia. Tasmania rains a LOT. When it DOES rain where I live, it is either pitiful or a horrific storm. We have a cyclone not too long ago here. Not a huge major one, but a lot of places were flooded and had to shut down. And there have been storms in the past in Queensland that have made the world news.

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