This post is no longer valid. I discharged on Tuesday night April 4th. But still, this is interesting/entertaining/fills the lack of posts void/etc
Since this post was written, I have officially come off of Effexor (venlafaxine). And I am a complete BASKET CASE. So yeah…
Well hello. So, the fun part of my life, known as “that thing that pollutes my brain and makes me terrified of my own shadow/makes me jump at any noise including the sound of my own phone ringing or text notifications” (it’s a working title), has risen, and needs to be sent back to Tartarus with a big fucking stick. Though to be quite honest, it’s been hanging around for months, I just haven’t spoken to many people about it who I’m either not paying for the privilege (NOT prostitutes! Like shrinks and whatnot) OR aren’t mega super close to. I’ve alluded to it several times, but not spoken about it exactly.
So, I will do so now.
I am currently in a private psychiatric hospital. Yay. It’s NOT cheap. Thank FUCK for private health insurance (which is also not cheap). Since late last year, my life-long anxiety disorder twisted and converted into not just “general anxiety” about, well everything, but it then manifested as agoraphobia and social anxiety. I’ve had a touch of the social anxiety before, but nothing to this extent.
This anxiety has made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to function on even a basic human level. It started as just being uncomfortable leaving the house, then shrunk to anxiety about leaving my bedroom, and finally into such overwhelming, CONSTANT, anxiety that I have been unable to leave my own house unaccompanied (usually by my partner, Mr Hippo), even to the supermarket. I am constantly on edge. I don’t know what is WORSE than being “hyper vigilant” but whatever it is, that’s what I am experiencing.
Add to this a dose of mental confusion, inability to find words, carry a conversation without um-ing and ah-ing every second word, I can’t even explain this to myself so I’m going to be able to explain it accurately here. Put it this way, it’s like someone took out my brain and replaced it with a very very dry sponge.
ALSO I’ve had severe trauma triggers, I can’t do anything, be anywhere, talk to anyone without my trauma being triggered by even the stupidest thing. I’ve had repressed memories surface that I don’t want to talk about or think about so I’m finishing this paragraph now.
Mix in a smattering of intrusive thoughts, mild hallucinatory like symptoms (I am not psychotic. I have checked with every one! And I feel that if I WAS psychotic, I wouldn’t be questioning if I was? If that makes sense. I don’t know). I actually debated writing this paragraph, whether I should tell people that I’m having hallucinatory symptoms, I was (am) afraid of the possible backlash (I’ve had nasty responses from people in the past regarding discussing my mental health openly on social media) and that people might think I AM psychotic. But you know what? I honestly don’t fucking give a shit. I am so exhausted, so goddamn tired of hiding me, myself and I, from everyone. Hence why I put a “caution” in the title. I am using every ounce of energy I have to keep going, I don’t have the energy to care what others may think.
Yes, this blog is my “job”, it’s my “business” (not that I’ve made a cent from it! But that doesn’t matter), I really love when someone “likes” a post I’ve made, especially when it’s someone I don’t know. And it’s even BETTER when someone follows this blog! I am trying to carve out my spot in the wide world of blogging and art. So, I have no energy left to care what small minded people may think of me. #notevenremotelysorry
So, that brings me to my current situation. I am a voluntary inpatient. It is less than fun. I am NOT on a holiday. I feel hospitals should have designated “crying rooms”. And I am currently in a shared room. My roommate is very nice, but I am having my anxiety and trauma triggered just by being in this room.